A Zeppo's Lot in Life
by Chyna Rose
Summary: The luck of the Zeppo strikes again. Xander finds himself a stranger in a strange land without a clue. So he does what he does best; muck things up in
1. Chapter 1

**A Zeppos Lot in Life**

By Chyna Rose

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer belongs to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto and Viz Media. I am neither.

Warnings: AUness, bits of emo and angst, culture shock's a biggie, Gaara/Naruto/Shikamaru/Xander with age gap in place, ninjas

Authors Note: So I saw this challenge on a mailing list I belong to for a Xander/Naruto/Shikamaru fic set right after the Glory arc in Buffy and during the tail end of the Sasuke Retrieval arc in Naruto. I tacked Gaara on to the ship because a) I'm a big fan of Gaara/Naruto and b) all the reasons Naruto would have for glomping onto Xander would also hold true for Gaara; if not more so. And of course big BtVS and Naruto fan that I am, I jumped all over it. And I finally managed to finish chapter one; go me. Non-conventional 'pairing', and there is a good deal of an age and culture gap that plays it's own little role in the story. Don't worry; I know what I'm doing (I hope). Praise and constructive criticism are always welcome. Questions will be answered and concerns addressed if you bother to give me a way to get back to you. Flames will be generally laughed at and possible shown around to those of my friends who could use the laugh. Flaming without bothering to read the fic will cause blank staring as my brain breaks trying to figure out the motivation for such a thing (why do it; what do you hope to achieve? do you honestly think its going to work? Seriously. I want to know).

* * *

It only takes a second for the world to end.

The battle against Glorificus had been the hardest battle to date. Joyce, Buffy's mom was dead. They had nearly lost both Tara and Giles. Glory had not only managed to capture Dawn, but had even been able to begin the ritual to send herself home. They had eventually been able to kill Glory but the damage had been done. Glory had succeeded in opening the portal. Oh, she hadn't killed Dawn; just a small cut that bled a bit. But those few drops of blood had been enough. With the big bad dead but the danger still present and the apocalypse changed but not abated, Buffy had heroically jumped in (literally) to close the portal and save the day; sacrificing her life for that of Dawn's. Loosing Buffy had been as bad, if not worse, than losing Joyce. At least, Xander assumed that Buffy had died after the fall.

Once again, the Xander and the mojo were of the non-mixey. When Buffy - or rather her blood - had hit the portal, there had been an intense all consuming flash of white light. When Xander opened his eyes again he found to his displeasure that he wasn't standing at the base of Glory's junk tower anymore. Instead he was in the middle of some huge forest - probably in some other dimension - with absolutely no clue on how to get home, or even where home was in relation to wherever here was. Luck of the Zeppo stepping in again to give him the short straw and all that.

Well, standing around feeling sorry for himself wasn't going to get him home any faster. In fact, it was a good way for him to get dead - or worse, undead. And a dead Xander wasn't going to help his friends any if - when - he got back home.

Ok. Survival in an unknown hell dimension with goddess-knows-what running around, surrounded by trees that seriously needed to lay off the fertilizer. Easy as pie. All he needed was a plan. A plan that involved **not** getting squished by whatever was big and powerful enough to send the massive trees crashing to the ground. Like the ones he could hear off in the distance somewhere to the left of him.

Heading decidedly **away** from the falling trees, Xander began to walk away from where he had first found himself.

--- BREAK ---

Pakkun and Kakashi rushed through the forest as rain began to fall from a cloudless sky. As he leapt from tree to tree, Kakashi prayed that he'd get there in time. Once again, he had failed his team. He had been so damn **_blind_**. He should've seen the path that Sasuke was on; Sasuke had always been obsessed with gaining power - to the point where he would have nothing to do with others unless it involved him becoming powerful or being forced. Add to that the power of Orochimaru's curse seal and the fact that Sasuke did not do the sensible thing and drop out of the chunin exam to have it properly sealed away (not to mention that it took a bit of struggle to get Sasuke to agree to having it sealed even after his fight in the preliminary matches)... No. The writing had been on the wall clear as day and he had refused to see it. And now he could lose one or both his students.

"Report." Kakashi barked out as they moved closer to the Valley. Already he could see the edge of the tree line at the edge of the border.

"I smell blood; lots of it - both boys." Pakkun began. He took a deep sniff as Kakashi channeled more chakra to his legs and poured on a bit more speed. "Sasuke's scent's starting to fade - like he's not there any longer but Naruto's scents still strong. And..." Pakkun took another deep sniff, "There's another person there; someone who's scent I don't recognize."

Shit. Kakashi gave it everything he had to put on another burst of speed. And when he broke through the cover of the trees he was treated to the last sight he could've predicted. Sasuke was gone; there had been no doubt of that. The only traces of his wayward student left was the damage left from his epic battle and the lingering scent and chakra that was slowly dissipating. Naruto was still there though, and the stranger that Pakkun had smelt. But instead of the battle or opportunistic looting he half expected, the stranger was kneeling at the prone and obviously badly injured Naruto's side doing what looked a hell of a lot like chest compressions while trying to press a blood soaked wad of cloth (which upon closer examination seemed to be Naruto's not so stupid now orange jacket) against Naruto's chest.

The man seemed to know what he was doing, which was a plus. And considering all the energy he was putting into trying to save Naruto, it was almost safe to assume that he wasn't going to kill the kid. Unless he was one of those weird guys who was only healing Naruto up in order to kill him when he was at full health and power; something to do with a skewed sense of fairness or something. He didn't look like he was a ninja though; Kakashi couldn't see any evidence of a hitai-ate or weaponry on him. But his clothes looked serviceable enough (even if the shirt was a bit too loud to be used as effective camouflage), and he was using chakra to help him heal Naruto - albeit rather crudely. He also was able to sense Kakashi, as his head snapped up as soon as Kakashi had left the cover of the trees; so Kakashi wasn't fully willing to fully toss out the ninja theory.

"I think I've managed to stop most of the bleeding," the stranger began. His words were... strange, somehow off. Distorted almost. Kakashi's eyes widened a fraction of a bit at the news that his student had come closer to death than ever before. Hell, he probably had actually **been** dead for a moment or two there. "but he isn't breathing yet." the stranger continued; only to be proven wrong as Naruto took a big gasping breath.

Kakashi relaxed an iota; Naruto was going to be alright. Or at the very least, hed survive long enough to get proper medical attention (which was another issue altogether and surprisingly open to debate - at least in the underground medical circles. Since the Kyuubi healed any and every injury Naruto sustained eventually, there were those who questioned spending time and resources on doing anything to aid in Narutos healing - safely outside of Tsunades hearing of course). He gathered the still unconscious boy in his arms - confirming that, yes, Naruto's jacket had been used as a stopgap bandage - and then turned to look at the stranger. "You. Follow me." he barked out, before he set off at a brisk pace that was fast enough for Naruto to get the help he needed in reasonable time but was also easy enough for someone who couldn't use chakra enhanced speed or tree hop to keep up with. The stranger followed, managing to keep pace. Good boy.


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: In case you forgot, Naruto is owned (among others) by Viz while Buffy's Mutant Enemy's._

_Warnings: See chapter 1_

_Author's Note: Sorry for the delay in getting this out, but the characters weren't really in the most cooperative of moods. Hopefully the next chapter won't take as long._

_0—0—0—0—0 _

"Ninjas." Xander pointed out.

"Yes." Tsunade agreed. Her patience was well past the point of starting to wear thin.

"Seriously. Ninjas." Xander reiterated with disbelief.

"Yes." Tsunade ground out through gritted teeth.

The past couple of days had been… not as horrible as Xander could have imagined. Sure they hadn't been a cake walk, but they were far from the complete and utter hell he'd expected.

At the entrance to the village he'd been separated from his impromptu guide. While his guide had rushed the injured boy he was holding off to the hospital via the roofs, Xander had been told to wait until an escort came for him. His escort turned out to be a trio of masked men in matching armor, who guided him silently on a twisting path through the village that had him lost not even five minutes in (which, Xander figured, had probably been the point). They brought him to a rather non-descript building and pretty much shoved him into an interrogation room that wouldn't look at all out of place in an American police station (at least, as far as Xander could tell from TV).

The actual interrogation had been… interesting… to say the least. Lots of waiting around with only himself for company interspersed with increasingly intense, disbelieving, and (at least as far as one of his interrogators was conserved) belligerent questioning. Oh, and pain. He couldn't forget the pain from the torture they threw in with their questioning. Granted it wasn't a cakewalk, being actual physical torture and all, but it was still a refreshingly far cry from the wringer Angelus had put him through back in Junior year.

But in the end they finally believed that, yes he was from a different world where ninja didn't exist (at least, not the way they did here) , no he had no idea how he got here, and no he had no idea how to get back to where he came from. And no, he wasn't crazy – although from what he'd seen of this place so far, being sane might've been a bit overrated anyway.

So, now that he'd been firmly ousted from the troublesome category of 'possible enemy' the question became what to do with him. They couldn't exactly chuck him out to go back where he came from seeing as where he came from kinda sorta didn't exist (in the way that Summons lived in a space that was not really a space, only slightly off in a somewhat distantly related cousin kind of a way – at least according to the current popular theory regarding Summons, and maybe someone should be asking the Crows that because if nothing else maybe that thrice damned magpie knew something no one else did since kami-sama knew the flighty thing was nuttier than any oak around…). Tossing him out so he could go live anywhere but there was just not a good idea since there was no telling what kind of trouble the boy'd fall into out there plus they'd almost be practically forcing the boy into the arms of the enemy - and if there was one thing they did **not** need right now thanks to the defection of the last Uchiha, it was yet another enemy. And forget about just killing him; they were not Kiri after all, so the slaughter of innocents – even the most inconvenient ones – was right out. Which left only one real option, that being welcoming him into the freak show that was one of the strongest and most prosperous hidden villages with at least somewhat open arms. At least, until he proved he actually was a threat or enemy, in which case the whole killing him idea would be reopened (if it turned out that he actually was crazy, well, then he'd fit right in with some of the higher level shinobi. Sadly, when it came to her ninja – especially those of high rank – sanity was never a requirement. You could be as crazy as you liked as long as it didn't actually interfere with a mission).

All of which brought Xander to where he now was; an 'intimate' meeting with hokage and all of about a dozen or so of her 'closest' subordinates. A hokage that was this close to revisiting the death idea with her own hands and damn the (moral) consequences. Did it still count as a stain on Konoha's reputation if the other villages didn't know about it?

"You claim that demons and vampires are real, and that you actually fought them in the world you came from, but can't accept that ninja are real?" Shikamaru asked, resisting the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose in exasperation. He was tired, and worried about his friends in the hospital, and this whole mess had passed troublesome at a fast clip ages ago. As if he didn't have enough crap to deal with…

Xander opened his mouth to answer and then shut it with an audible click, head hanging down in defeat. When it was put that way, it did seem pretty ridiculous that he believed in real vampires but didn't believe in real ninja. And to be honest, he really didn't have a good reason why he didn't – mostly because there wasn't one.

"Now that we've established the existence of ninjas," Tsunade began, shooting a withering glance at Xander when it looked like he was about to object again. Xander visibly deflated and did the smart thing of keeping his big mouth shut; despite what _some_ people would think, he **could** learn "perhaps we can continue our discussion?"

When no more interruptions came, Shizune continued with her lecture "As I was saying, as a Hidden Village, Konohagakure is divided into two basic sectors; ninja and civilian. While both sectors are under the authority of the Hokage and bound by her laws, there are differences between the two mostly in terms of legalities and legislature. For example, a civilian is considered to legally be an adult at age eighteen while a ninja is considered a legal adult upon becoming registered as an active genin and is rewarded all the freedoms and responsibilities that come with the position. Unlike some other Hidden Villages, the authority that a ninja holds over a civilian is not absolute; mostly dealing with emergencies and village law. In addition, there are no prohibitions against someone from a purely civilian background becoming a ninja provided they can pass through the training, which normally starts at age six and runs until they either graduate or wash out of the program – at which case they will be mainstreamed into the civilian school until they reach the age of eighteen or begin an official apprenticeship at age sixteen.

"There are a few conditions to your being granted citizenship and being allowed to stay in the village. Obviously, given your age, you will not be required to attend school however, there are a few things that all citizens must know. Regardless of whether or not you decide to become a ninja or remain a civilian you will be tested to see where you stand on basic math, science, and literacy; you will be tutored in any subject that you are lacking, as well as village law, history, and geography. Should you decide to remain a civilian, you will be expected to find work, although your options there might be limited to unskilled labor unless you are fortuitous enough to find someone willing to offer you an apprenticeship. If you decide to become a ninja, you will be privately trained in all the skills you will need to become an active genin. This is highly irregular and a special privilege as virtually all ninjas have completed their basic training by the time they reach your age, and you would best advised to treat it as the exceedingly rare opportunity it is.

"Now, I realize that this decision is not one to be entered into lightly, but it is also not the kind of thing that can be put off indefinitely. Therefore I am going to give you a week to decide."

"I want to be a ninja." Xander replied without waiting a beat.

"Are you sure? It won't be easy; you **will** get wounded, badly probably and with the possibility of permanently disabling, and there is a high chance that you will get killed which will increase as you advance in rank." Tsunade cautioned. Despite the glamorous and exciting image being projected, there was actually little glory in being a ninja. Ninjas were thieves, killers, and spies who were lucky to see twenty five – never mind thirty. Few ever made it to retirement, and those that did tended be those who were too injured to return to duty or kunoichi who had stopped in order to raise a family.

Xander was resolute. He'd stood by Buffy even when she pushed him away for being too normal, and did his damndest to keep his home safe from the monsters the Hellmouth drew to it despite his total lack of training. He wasn't one to idly sit by while others risked their lives to protect his home, and until he – or rather Willow since he and magic still didn't mix – found a way back to Sunnyhell, Konohagakure was his home. "I want to be a ninja."


End file.
